Fed Up audiobook

"My husband does a lot. He helps me out with the housework, he takes care of our children if I will be out, he will do anything I ask him to. Personally, I think I'm pretty lucky." In response to praise such as this, author Gemma Hartley asks, “Does he do a lot compared to other men or does he do a lot compared to you?” Emotional labor is the invisible job handed down to women of every generation to make sure the days run smoothly, the household is efficiently managed, and everyone is happy and not inconvenienced. It's the mental energy spent on managing and micromanaging, all without rocking the boat. Hartley suggests that if women want help with this extra load, the options generally are, “Do it alone, be a nag, or let it go”, and any help that may be offered is met with the expectation of resounding gratefulness. After all, they're doing us a favor. It's our job. Even when it's their house, too. Their children, too. Their life, too. Note: I am very fortunate in my partnership at home to have a spouse who shares home responsibilities. Thank you, honey, for being my beautiful rarity xoxo.In Fed Up: Emotional Labor, Women, and the Way Forward, Hartley gives personal examples from her household, but also discusses how emotional labor has followed women into the workplace which I can personally attest to. I've had work positions in which the phone for our team was placed on my desk. I was the woman, the subliminal secretary. Committee assignments for female employees were themed with in-office morale improvement and potluck/birthday celebrations versus males who were assigned to out-of-office opportunities where networking could occur...opportunity. I could go on. So could Hartley, and she does. “Women aren't fed up because we expect too much. We're fed up because we're told we shouldn't expect anything at all. We should just let it go as if it were so easy. As if our work were so easily disposable.” Hartley suggests that all the dots connect to the underlying theme of undervaluing the work of women. Hartley does a good job of pointing out the imbalance and how it hurts everyone. It's not only a heterosexual issue, but it is a patriarchal issue, and when women accept this extra load without contradiction, when we continue to train the next generation to do the same, we naturally create a barrier for men and enable it to continue. With honesty, she documents the results of her personal attempts at finding balance at home and it's clear that finding a solution will require much trial and error but it's worth it because we're worth it. It starts with books like this that raise awareness and inspire dialogue. Insightful reading material.My favorite quote:"It's OK to want more."

I was excited to read this book because the blog post that had led to this book being written resonated so strongly with me. I read it in a day and was not disappointed. It's not a long book but there is so much in here that matters that I'm going to take it chapter by chapter after my overview. Overall, it's about women doing the vast majority of the "emotional labor" "Invisible work" "mental labor", for the purposes of this book, we will call it 'emotional labor' . This review will be a bit more personal because it was impossible for me to read it without the filter of my own personal experiences. And I'm certainly not blaming a person or particular people or saying that men are 'bad' or anything like that. It's not about demonizing anyone but more about changing a culture that has put all of this on women. I also understand that some will say that it simply isn't true because it's not how it is in their house...that may be true or maybe it's perception, but this isn't about the exceptions. This is society in general. And if it weren't so widespread and common, her blog post wouldn't have blown up like it did.This has been a source of resentment and frustration in my life since before I could give it a name. This is a book that I could have written except for a couple of major ways my life differs from the author. (and that I differ from the author)Chapter one : How did we get hereThis chapter is about how women are socialized while growing up to do the emotional labor. They are raised by a society that tells us that we are to cater to men emotionally and that it's our job to care for others. The author talks about how she saw the females in her family doing this so she internalized it as normal.This is a major differing point between the author and me. I did not grow up in a family where I saw the things she refers to because I was in a single parent household where the single parent was way too busy to do a lot of these tasks she refers to (organizing social calendar, reaching out to relatives and friends on birthdays, doing holiday cards, etc etc etc) The author does seem to assume that everyone grew up like she did which I found odd. (but then again, we are talking about 'general' rather than 'exceptions')Chapter 2: The Mother Load- This is when a lot of women find the imbalance becoming severe. It is still a society where parenting is seen as the mother's job and fathers are the helpers. The outdated stereotype of the bumbling father who can't be trusted to watch his own child/children is still played out on memes and sitcoms (which I refuse to watch) and in various other outlets. This is ridiculous, not only does it give men an 'out' for sharing full responsibility for their children, it is also incredibly insulting to them. Chapter 3: Who Cares- I've actual got this part down. I honestly do not care if people think I'm 'dropping the ball'. because I'm not tilling my organic garden for greens that I feed my children in morning smoothies. This whole thing where women (and men) are so concerned about how they appear to others as parents is not an issue I deal with. The author writes about how part of the problem is that she expects her husband to do things 'her' way and I side with the husband on that. Let it freaking go. I have been on the other end of that. Expectations need to be realistic. You can't have a perfect showcase of a house when you are raising children, not without other things falling through the cracks and devoting your entire life to cleaning. I don't do things like holiday cards and reminding anyone to call someone on their birthday , perhaps because I didn't see these things being done, it never occurred to me to do them. The idea that they would even be MY job if I'm in a relationship with an adult is nonsensical to me. Chapter 4: It's Ok to Want More-This chapter really resonated with me because I get so very sick of hearing about how dads are doing more than they used to so they need to be praised for it constantly (want a trophy too?) and that we just need to be grateful that they participate at all. Bullsh!t. You can be grateful while at the same time insisting that someone else do their part, fully do their part. It's not doing us a 'favor' to pull your own weight. Chapter 5: What We do and Why we do It- this chapter is about how relentless mental labor is, how it occupies an incredible amount of energy and time that no one in the household sees unless something doesn't get done. This is something I've tried to explain but defensiveness is always the response which isn't helpful and simply silences. When you have everything from thinking about what's out in the fridge, who needs new shoes, how is your child going to get to that activity when you are at work , the slipping of grades, paying the lunch bill (this list could literally be a thesis so I will stop here), it's exhausting. I had this wild idea that when I became a sahm, that I would finally have time to write (I know, cue laughter here) but what I didn't realize was how emotionally and mentally exhausted I would be from a day of doing relentless continuous physical and mental and emotional labor. I had nothing left in me to be creative. Chapter 6-Whose Work is Anyway-This is about the fact that this is considered the women's job. Why? And how is it fair? There is an idea that women naturally like to do it (yes, some do but even they need appreciation and recognition for it generally)and that women are naturally better at it (some but not enough to consider it a majority) . This results in women being judged/criticized/blamed when something falls through the cracks and men being treated like they've done their wife a favor for doing a household chore/errand. Are women really better at it or have they been socially conditioned to believe it's their job? A lot of people will say "but men take care of the car/household repairs/lawn in a traditional marriage" and maybe they do but those things don't even come close to making up the difference. The idea that those things are 'men's work' and literally everything else is "women's work' is an unfair division. This idea that men are 'helping' when they do what they should be doing may seem like mere semantics but it isn't because it still places the burden on the women and gives him points for doing a 'favor'. Chapter 7- A Warm Smile and Cold Reality-basically about how women are expected to always be pleasant and accommodating and are criticized harshly when they aren't.Chapter 8-Too Emotional to Lead?-about the ridiculous assumption that women can't lead because they are emotional. Many other countries have had women Presidents and Prime Ministers and women have been leading for eons (think Cleopatra) so this doesn't even have a basis in reality Chapter 9-What Quiet Costs-talks about the resentment that builds up because of the unfair division of laborChapter 10-Finishing the Fight-references Betty Freidan's problem with no name and how we haven't finished that fight because now we are expected to do it all. Why should we have to do it all? When we have partners? Chapter 12-Nature vs Nurture-addresses the assumption that women are better at it because they are women when in fact society forms us to be a certain way. And of course some women are more naturally suited to the role but so are some men. The interesting thing is that men generally have a period of living alone before marrying and manage to do things like notice what needs to be done around the house but once they marry, that switch goes off (in many). Subconsciously, they no longer see it as their job yet of course they are capable of noticing what needs to be done and doing it. Men are intelligent aware human beings. I give them more credit than that. The last few chapters are about what to do about it. They are about actually making lists of everything that needs to be done to make partners aware of it all because usually they don't know what it takes to keep a household running. It is about becoming situational aware. There is this idea that if one parent takes one child to their physical and the other takes the other child, then 'well I did my part 50/50' but no, who had to remember the kids needed physicals and then go through the mental gymnastics and logistics of finding times that worked and scheduling them and being on hold, etc. It doesn't sound like much but when you multiply it by exponential issues, it is. It also discusses how many women criticize how a man loads the dishwasher, etc...and I agree that anyone who does that, needs to stop. If you want a partner to do their share, then you can't cut them down constantly. Last chapter is about finding balance. Things will never be 50/50 because of different phases and stages but one partner shouldn't be killing themselves while another one has time to pursue hobbies and hang out on the couch. It's about making your partner aware of everything that has to be done and giving them ownership of those tasks. (having to constantly delegate is still work)This was long but overall, I recommend this book to all women who are struggling with these issues. It's about damn time we talked about it. (and no, even if one partner is a sahp, I don't think it should still ALL fall on them, that leaves one partner working 24/7 and the other getting to pursue what they want for hours a day outside of work (even if they do the traditionally male things like lawn, car, repairs). Being a sahp is work. And in the vast percentage of marriages, both partners have outside jobs.

Read my full review on my blog here: https://ivoryowlreviews.blogspot.com/...I remember talking to girlfriends when "The Break-Up" with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn came out. We were discussing the scene where Aniston asks her man-child boyfriend Vaughn to help her do the dishes after they have hosted a dinner party (that she cooked and decorated for--but hey he got her 3 lemons!) When Aniston says that she wants him to want to do the dishes and he just can't wrap his mind around that concept, my mind was blown. I thought "YESSSS! This is where the disconnect is!" It's not that a partner won't help when asked but why should they have to be asked? Why are they not aware of the steps that come before an end result? For clothes to appear in a drawer cleaned, for food to appear on a table, for a dinner party to happen, there are massive amounts of tasks which need to be performed.When I first learned there were terms to define what I couldn't quite put my finger on about relationships, parenting, and domestic equality, I was in two college classes titled "Gender and Work" and "The Commodification of Care." This is where I first learned the terms "second shift," "invisible labor," and "emotional labor". I was a 31-year-old mother and step-mother working a 40+ hour/week retail job and taking a full college course load. Crippling mental to-do lists and endless tasks were part of my daily life and it is not a stretch to say I did everything that related to domestic tasks and parenting in my home on top of being a student and worker. I remember specifically making a list of all the household/family tasks I did on a daily basis to show my husband and asked him to please take something off the list. He chose to pick up his own dry cleaning. Not a huge sacrifice on his part but I'd take it. It was a start. Then I would have to remind him to pick it up. I was still "in charge" of this task because I was the one who was having to remember when it needed done. Like a million other tiny tasks I decided to simply do the damn errand myself. If I asked my husband to do something, he had no problem doing it, but that's exactly the point. Why am I, and millions of (mostly) women, tasked with all of the invisible and emotional labor in a relationship and often in the workforce as well?In Fed Up: Emotional Labor, Women, and the Way Forward, Gemma Hartley expands on her ultra-viral article "Women Aren't Nags--We're Just Fed Up" in Harper's Bazaar. I was once again saying "YESSSS" because I felt like she was able to dive down to the root of the problem with her example of requesting a house cleaning service for Mother's Day. While she definitely wanted the results of a clean house, what she really wanted was for her husband to make the calls, do the comparisons, set up the appointments--all the invisible tasks the lead to the end result.Betty Friedan brought attention to "the problem with no name" in The Feminine Mystique, but she fell short by not including several demographics, most importantly low-income women and women of color. Hartley does not make this same mistake with her research. She includes a variety of women and men of all income levels, backgrounds, and races. She offers a few examples of the division of emotional labor in non-heterosexual couples, stay-at-home fathers and lots of her own personal examples from her marriage. I found a few of the sections a bit repetitive but I think that may have been necessary for a lot of readers who may be coming to the book with no prior knowledge of the concepts discussed. As for recommendations, I started recommending this to everyone I know as soon as I read the first chapter. Married women immediately order it when I tell them what it's about, I tell younger single women to definitely read it to prepare themselves and learn how to explain the concept to their partners (an act of emotional labor in and of itself), I recommend it to men but so far I have yet to hear that any of them have done so.

Emotional labor! That old chestnut! This is of the genre I call "Do you like to be mad." This is very much a "do you like to be mad" book and yes, I DO like to be mad! There's an extreme occurrence of emotional labor on my personal zeitgeist right now--it's here, it's in half the episodes of Tidying Up, it's in my day to day existence, that of my friends, the world at large. Gemma Hartley does a good job articulating the WHY at the root of so many frustrations--it's not just the emotional labor and women's work, it's also MENTAL LOAD of keeping track of everything, which is why it is so frustrating to hear "just tell me what to do." Anyway, it's fun to be mad, but read this with your partner, and it should help you be less mad.

This is a thought-provoking book on the unseen emotional labor of women, how society has shaped both men and women's acceptance of this role, and what we can do about it. While well-researched it's also not a slog, and I read it in big gulps.

It's hard to overstate how valuable I found this book. It's as if Hartley has taken everything I've struggled to articulate about what goes on in my head on a daily basis and laid it all out, not just explaining what it feels like to carry the mental and emotional load in a marriage, but also figuring out how we got here and what we can do about it. It's an odd but welcome feeling to have the patterns of your own marital conversations spelled out in detail on the page, but knowing that this is a common pattern in partnerships across America (and many other countries as well) means that it's no longer enough to say, "Things are the way they are because I'm more naturally organized and he deals with anxiety." That can't be the case when millions of women in heterosexual partnerships have developed the same exact patterns, and that means it's not immutable.The path forward that Hartley prescribes is a both/and solution. It's expecting more while letting go of perfectionism. It requires men to step up — a tall order when many men refused to even read Hartley's original article, asking their partners to summarize it for them. Hartley is not naive or optimistic enough to say that women can solve this ourselves if we just did things differently, added another layer to our mental load. But she also admits that the way forward is not just "men need to do better." It requires an honest look by both men and women at their assumptions, ingrained beliefs, stereotypes, and personal standards.Hartley spends more than a token amount of time on the extra layers of emotional labor that exist for women of color, returning to this idea several times during the book and quoting a number of different women about their experiences. She also, more briefly, covers how this idea of emotional labor intersects with disability and gender identity, how those in marginalized groups are expected to educate and have endless patience with those who won't do the work of educating themselves. There is an extended discussion of how emotional labor comes into play at work, particularly in the service sector, and how a woman in the public eye must balance the projection of confidence with the expectation that she make everyone feel comfortable and happy. And there's a powerful chapter about how the expectation that women perform emotional labor perpetuates rape culture. These may seem like digressions from the central conversation about emotional labor at home, but I think they are important for explaining why we need to find a new path for our children's generation where emotional labor is valuable but not gendered.Hartley does, to some extent, conflate emotional labor with the mental workload (one of the criticisms of her original article) but she also pretty clearly shows how the two are inextricably linked. As she says, we keep track of the household management not for its own sake but because our family members are happier and more comfortable when they have clean clothes and good food, when they can lay their hands quickly on anything they need, when they have a web of strong relationships maintained through responding to social invitations and sending holiday cards. And maintaining the smooth running of the household also means getting others to do their part in a way that isn't perceived as "nagging" or "picking a fight," which falls squarely in the realm of emotional labor. The term is used as a shortcut, for sure, and stretched beyond its original meaning, but Hartley does the work upfront to explain how she's using the term and why.This book will, inevitably, be read primarily by women. That is clearly the audience Hartley is writing for, not because she doesn't think we need men's help to forge a new way forward (she does) but because she knows that women for whom her original article resonated couldn't even get their partners to read the article, let alone an entire book. That means that the men out there who believe they are #notallmen, who consider themselves feminist allies, need to take the initiative to pick up this book and be able to read it not in a defensive posture but as a way to understand what the average woman in a different-gender partnership is going through. And then they need to recommend it to their male friends.That's not to say women shouldn't read this, because they definitely should. There is a value in seeing your lived experiences reflected back on the page and in being given context and language to explain what's going on in your head. And Hartley certainly has advice for women as well. I think if this book were not seen as a "women's" book but rightly recognized as one touching on issues affecting all of us, then we might have a chance to forge the new generation of equitable relationships that Hartley envisions.

Can't decide if this was more enlightening or enraging (or if that matters). I especially enjoyed how Hartley focused in places on her own relationship and how important it is for both partners to work towards balancing the brunt of emotional labor because even when one might be doing more, it might be because they've spent years belittling the efforts of the other. Meeting in the middle and respecting each other's strengths (and weaknesses) is so important. I'm really glad I picked this up before my wedding- now I have plenty to discuss and plan with my fiancé, and, thankfully, the terminology to do so.

This packs a punch. It's a really PERSONAL book, which was fascinating, because it's also a really universal book. It's also super practical towards the end; I think I have a better idea of how to broach the subject of emotional labor with my partner, which feels really refreshing. If Hartley's original essay was the distress call, this book is her follow-up, her answering rescue. I'm super glad I read it, and I really highly recommend it for heteronormative couples, especially. (Both partners ideally, but even one, if the other is onboard with frank discussion of it.)

This is an essential, modern, necessary book that uses excellent reporting and the author's own personal story to pull on the threads of emotional labor and why it's such a key element of modern households and work environments. Really appreciated this read and have gifted to several people already (some very passive-aggressively!!!).

This is everything I have ever thought about the upside down world of women and our lives in the home and in the work place. It was so nice to have my thoughts put so eloquently into words and made me feel so good that I am not crazy and many others feel just as I do. Thank you so very much Gemma!

Hartley sometimes could be repetitive but overall this was a good read that clearly laid out the societal issues between the sexes and the conditioning of men and women to allow women the larger unseen work. Now I wonder, since I do not have a long term relationship with a man, what now? How does it change? I'd love a similar topic that deals with this issue in family and not just romantic relationships.

Fed UP is the book every woman should definitely be reading come November 13th. Gemma Hartley takes up the stand and makes it known to women that they are not alone in this journey that is emotional labor. Gemma allows us to learn how day through day there exists a growing amount of stress given the work that every woman must put forward to be on top of everything and, i.e., kids, chores, home, school, working, cooking, listening, etc. the list is endless and how we as women are affected by it all to such a profound level due to the lack of visibility and "help" from the man in the household. She gives us her own struggles and those of other women to make us aware and more so make men aware of the weight we have on our shoulders. She guides us on how to establish a conversation once again with our partners to bring them understanding of what needs to be changed, done and dealt with. All in all she is leaving us with a great topic to discuss amongst each other and reinforcing us this dialogue is necessary for growth as an individual, a woman, a man and a couple. Do yourself a favor and give this book as an early christmas gift to the ladies in your circle and also to the men! Bravo Gemma.

Hartley's in-depth analysis of emotional labor and its implications across Western society breaks ground in this discipline. Stemming from a Harper's Bazaar article – “Women Aren’t Nags, We’re Just Fed Up” – the book explores how emotional labor and its distribution affects everyone. Emotional labor is the work we do to help each other out as human beings: in the context of an American, privileged family, that’s usually Mom scheduling doctor’s appointments, making sure chores are on a rotation, writing greeting cards, etc. It goes further sometimes, to listening, empathizing, and making sure others are fully cared for. There are so many important issues in this book, from emotional labor’s role in the #metoo movement to explaining it to people who just don’t understand – usually the spouse, for those of us who are fed up. Hartley covers the insidious perfectionism that creeps into daily life, the consequences for those who don’t fall into the privileged sphere, and the epiphany that we can’t just let go of emotion work. It’s always going to be there – we just need to share it more equally, on the family level and on the societal level. I wholeheartedly agree and look forward to recommending this book for those who need to understand this concept on a deep level.

I borrowed this book from the library, but after reading it I'm going to buy a copy for myself and for most of the women I know. Hartley explains the concept of emotional labor so clearly, with excellent examples and sentences I kept wanting to read aloud as I nodded my head. She did some solid research and did a great job of being intersectional with her feminist analysis of how emotional labor affects different kinds of women. I did have a few small problems with the book that made it more like 4.5 stars: it could have been a bit shorter because the end felt a little repetitive, some parts were heteronormative (she does bring in two gay couples but does not consider trans people or polyamourous people), and the "way forward" section would have benefited from a script or action plan of what to do (she explains that things changed in her household but doesn't give concrete ways to replicate that; it felt really unique to her relationship). These things feel small though, since I kept wanting to underline my library book and revisit it later. I will think of this book every time I delegate a task or burden my mental load with the million things that keep our lives running!

Fed Up is both a memoir of the author's marriage and a wider cultural analysis of how society views emotional labour. Hartley writes with warmth and optimism about the frustrations caused by the organizational activities that appear invisible but make individual homes and communities run smoothly such as planning meals, remembering birthday parties and organizing Christmas cards. In her own home, changing employment circumstances and better communication result in a more equitable division of household labour, giving Hartley the space required to complete her book manuscript. While much of the book is focused on the domestic sphere, there are also chapters that analyze perceptions of emotional labour in politics and the workplace. Hartley concludes that a more equitable division of emotional labour, in addition to setting boundaries around these activites and letting go of perfectionism, would benefit both men and women. An interesting and insightful read.

I listened to the audio of this book and let me say that Therese Plummer is a phenomenal narrator. As a person who has heard of the term "emotional labor", but hasn't done an extensive amount of research on the topic, this book was perfect for me. This is a topic that I understand and feel deeply.I see other reviews where a major complaint is that this book is too much memoir and not enough research, but I found it to be a perfect balance. I don't want to be bogged down with numbers. I love an example especially if I am going to be talking with friends and/or partners about it. And how do you quantify something that is invisible? You probably can, but it's not about the numbers. No matter what the research and numbers say, I still will feel the invisible and emotional labor profoundly.